September 2002 Volume 83 Number 9 "serving the protectors"
By Trevor Haskell PASA Vice President

Is a bad relationship better than none?

Workplace Relations Minister Tony Abbott was recently reported in The Advertiser as making interesting comments about both workers and relationships. He later recanted them.

His initial comments reflected a sexist view that the world revolves around men. This was clear in the use of gender-exclusive language, probably indicating a view on the dominance of the male role in society. He talked only of men being bosses but balanced this with only men being bad partners or parents. This stereotype often underpins a conservative and traditional social view and so I am not surprised that he would utter such comments.

Those of us who have worked for bad bosses will make our own conclusions as to the insightfulness or stupidity of his reported remarks. However, the issue of whether a bad relationship is better than none is worth considering.

Relationship counselling is one of the areas with which we at the Welfare Branch deal. We regularly try to assist couples to work through difficulties in relationships. Many couples indicate that they are unhappy in their relationships but want to stay together. The question of whether this is a sensible decision is multi-faceted. Many issues have surfaced during my sessions with couples, but there are no right or wrong views.

The needs of the children of a relationship are often seen as critical. Spouses often feel little towards each other but are often prepared to put their own personal happiness and needs on hold if they perceive this to be better for the kids.

A decision to stay is often made on the grounds that it is more stable, predictable, less unsettling, financially safer, and easier not to make a decision. Such a situation can work provided the rules of the house are clear. Very often, the rules are not, and the interaction between the couple continues to decline, and sometimes results in violence or abuse in one form or another. Abusive relationships are not positive for any of those involved, including the children.

A key to trying to make a bad relationship last comes down to an issue previously written of in Straight to the Point – energy. A relationship built around negative energy is draining. However, if a couple is prepared to put positive energy into a relationship, there is a higher possibility that that couple could remain safely together.

The sticking points are very often about shared parental responsibilities, shared expenditures and the sexual interaction. Couples frequently talk about “walking on eggshells” and, if this is the feeling, the dynamics need to be changed. Ignoring issues is often tried and usually later creates flashpoints, which are harmful to all in the family.

What makes a person feel happy is not easily explained. People we talk with often speak of being unhappy but, curiously, do not often speak of being sad. If there is no happiness in a relationship, something needs to change. When people do report feeling sad, it may be a sign that the deterioration in the relationship is even more significant.

There is no doubt that, for most, there is more security of finances and housing when couples stay together. However, security in these areas does not correlate with personal security. The vision that, when the kids are gone so is the relationship, is one that haunts couples who make the decision to stay together for the kids, or for the roof over one’s head. Those in this mode will report becoming increasingly suspicious of one another, and one – or each – will start “checking up” on the other. Such behaviour is clearly an indication of potential flashpoints.

An abusive relationship is dangerous to all. Parents who exhibit abusive behaviour – verbal, physical or controlling – create dangerous lessons for their children to mimic. The children learn that such abuse is normal and replicate it in their relationships with their parents, siblings and peers.

All relationships have downtimes. When people feel there is something not right, they should discuss their wants and their needs. Hopefully, that can be done with their partner and can be part of the redefining of that relationship.

If they cannot share it with their partner, the use of third parties comes into the picture. The well-meaning advice of family and friends is underpinned by their own beliefs about marriage and is often not appropriate. The aim of relationship counselling is to assist people work out their own path forward and not to impose someone else’s values on to the situation.

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