March 2002 Volume 83 Number 3 "serving the protectors"
By Trevor Haskell PASA Vice President

Relationships

In my relationships-counsellor role, I am often asked about why relationships fail. The reasons are always specific to the couple involved, but many themes are often repeated. I see one theme regularly that I categorize as energy.

When two people meet, they choose to show something of themselves to and explore one another. They date, spend time together, talk, listen, think of things with which to impress each other and plan special days or weeks. In effect, they commit energy to themselves, each other and shaping the relationship. The relationship is the energy priority. One is enthused that another gives energy to him or her and wants to do likewise.

Now, we all have a limited amount of energy. We divide it up into work, relationship, sporting interests, friends, children, and many more. Life becomes a jigsaw: putting the pieces of energy in and coming up with a picture that hopefully makes sense.

The energy we put into areas of our lives fluctuates. If I choose to study, then I commit energy to a new source and, to do that, I adjust the energy in an existing area, or face potential burnout.

Often the changing of energy direction is not smooth, planned or wanted. Children have a tremendous capacity to take parental energy. Work demands can fluctuate and drain enormous amounts on energy. But the energy level of a couple also has a high demand. What choices do we make about change of input? Are they choices at all, or merely changes made without thinking or noticing that change is happening?

The change of energy is often completely unnoticed. The changes to energy levels are often subtle and people unthinking about the ways their energy output has changed. When one partner says: “We don’t share or do anything together,” it comes as almost a secret revealed. They had simply stopped thinking of the energy needs of their relationship.

In counselling, I will often explore the changes to a couple’s energy input. This is particularly so when one party describes the loss of care in the relationship or the other party. Where did it go? Relationship energy is sometimes reduced to the tasks of life, without enough concentration on the maintenance, happiness or intimacy energies.

When I speak with a couple about what the things were that brought them together and developed their relationship, there is usually a description of outings, fun days, exciting bits, intimacy, exploration, time shared, and planning the shared time.

When we examine the now, I find groundhog-day: today is both yesterday and tomorrow. The prime focus is on things external of the couple; external to their relationship, including the children. There is often a “normality” to their life. They would clearly see they must give energy to the children, work, study, whatever, but often not see that, if they do not give energy to themselves as individuals and a couple, the point of being together might get lost.

What is a relationship about? Is it to breed and raise children, accumulate goods and/or share with one another? Whatever the current view is often makes an interesting comparison with one’s courting-day view.

Energy is never static. We grow and develop as individuals and couples, but if we ignore the energy or do not plan its use, then it is not uncommon for couples to find they have no energy for their partners or relationships. The question then becomes: what is the point of the relationship?

When exploring relationships in counselling, some people expect the counsellor’s energy will sort things out. In fact, the counsellor’s energy level is minimal. The issue is often: do those who form the couple have energy they want to put into the relationship. If they choose not to re-energize the relationship, counselling can only achieve relationship management: going through the game; minimal harm; minimal contact. This is based on: “It’s easier to stay as we are than seek a positive relationship.” That’s the “we’ll-stay-together-for-the-kids” view of a relationship.

Relationship happiness has a direct relationship to the amount of energy the individuals put into it. As with many things in life, you get out what you put in.

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